Taking the Controls (aka Goodbye Autopilot)

As Tink alluded to in her last post, I have lived the better part of the last three years of my life on "autopilot." Not autopilot in the "don't do much of anything sense" (although not doing much of anything IS one of my specialties), more like autopilot in the "stick with the status quo and never, ever rock the boat" sense.

Remember those lists I referred to in my previous post (aka "Agendas: A Love Affair")? Well, inrecent years my "to do list" on a daily basis would typically consist of the following entries:
(1) Wake Up --> (2) Go to School --> (3) Work on my Fitness --> (4) Study (aka Watch Gilmore Girls and Ponder Heavy Legal Issues) --> (5) Watch Reality Tv Trash (what up SNOOKIE!) --> (6) Sleep


Packed schedule, right? Doesn't leave much time for actually sitting back and thinking about what I want out of life or who I want to be. At least that's what I tell myself. The truth, of course, is that I've always been just too scared to sit back and think about those things because really, I have no idea what I want out of life or who I want to be. Sure, I know what I want in abstract terms: to be happy, to be surrounded by people that love me, to be excited to wake up everyday and go to work, to leave the world better than I found it. But, unlike in the art world, in the real world the abstract is rarely better than the concrete. So, for me, this taking stock process has been about examining who I am and what I'm doing in this moment and really thinking about if I'm setting myself up to achieve my long-term abstract goals of happiness, love, etc.

Borrowing from Tink's categories, let's take a little looksie at how I'm currently doing:

Job: Is it making me happy? At the moment, the answer to that question is a resounding YES...with one small caveat. See, up until two weeks ago I had been out of work since graduating law school and taking the bar last July. Five months of nothing but working out, online shopping, and watching old episodes of 90210 (sideburns! mom jeans! DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES!) sounds fun, until you actually do it. So, the caveat to my current job happiness is this: at this point, I'd be happy doing pretty much anything. Do I think I want my current job to be my forever job? Wellllll....we'll see. For now let's just say it'll do until E! finally decides to kick Giuliana to the curb.

Relationships with Family: I just lived at home with my parents for five months. Need I say more?

Relationships with Friends: Overall very happy in this area. However, seeing as though I just moved and don't know too many people in my current zip code, I should probably stop being so damn complacent and get out there. Also, I suck at keeping in touch and this does not make me happy. It is NOT okay that the only time I talk to my old roommate is when we're texting about the craziness that is Michelle on the Bachelor (CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY).

Self Awareness: BAD. Actually, I'm not sure if that's completely true. I think deep-down I am kind of self-aware. I mean I'm an only child - how can I not know myself? I think the deeper problem I have in this area - and maybe some of you guys feel this way too - is that I'm scared to actually admit to myself who I am and what I like. I mean, if I'm being honest, I would absolutely rather stay in bed ALL DAY Saturday watching Soapnet and Lifetime than go out and tan on the beach and play beach volleyball with my friends. But that's lame, right? I mean what kind of middle-aged bonbon-eating loser am I if I admit that? MUCH easier to just pretend I'm cool.

So, that's where I stand right now. Relatively happy but with a lot of things to work on. This was a solid first step. Really glad I took time out of my busy schedule to do it...even though I did miss Gilmore Girls.